I always knew that getting married to a Chagga woman is a headache, especially if you are a kyasaka (Kyasaka is a Chagga name for any person who is not a mChagga) – but my girlfriend's dad took the cake and the cherry on top! The cream even!
With a mchagga father one never wins! You see, most Chagga parents don't believe in inter-marriage. When the topic of marriage comes up they will always insist that home is always best. In fact some parents are so fast at hooking their children up!
"When is daughter coming back? Is she done with her law degree? My nephew is just about to finish his doctorate. Maybe we should introduce them when they get back from overseas."
Naturally when you hear degrees, overseas and such arrangements it only means prominent families – with names and clout. Anyway, so there they were, the two of them, sharing that father-daughter moment. They used to have that, those two.
So my girlfriend brings up the topic that makes any possessive Dad freeze. But since they always had that bond, he was down with whatever.
"If I ever get married I will get married to a Mzungu," she announces.
"Where from?"
"Hmm, say German."
"No, his parents will always make you feel like a second class citizen."
"England?"
"They will never see past your race and colour."
"Okay, an African then."
"Great! At least we are home. But where from?"
"Okay, South Africa?"
"They will abuse you."
"West Africa?"
"They will probably sell you for your organs."
"North Africa?"
"They will put you in a harem."
"East Africa then."
"Great! At least we are home."
"Hmm, Uganda?"
"Uwii! HIV/AIDS!"
"Kenya?"
"They will harass you!"
"Jamani wapi sasa?" my girlfriend had started the topic to get at her Dad, but now the tables had turned around. She was getting highly agitated.
"How about home?" Her dad offered.
"Okay, how about Wagogo?" She asks about the tribe from Dodoma.
"Omba omba wale. You will be as poor as a church mouse!"
"Wahaya then?"
"They are too arrogant!"
"Wapare?"
"They like sex too much!"
My girlfriend giggles at this, thinking – as if there is something wrong with that. The dad seeing his daughter's reaction gives another point quickly.
"And they are misers!"
"Okay, Wakurya?"
"You'll be beaten black and blue!"
"Wasukuma then?"
"They will fatten you up and force you to bleach your skin and every time is wageni time and kitchen is always busy and your husband's village mate is your close relative when you succeed."
"Okay, I take it you will be happy if I got married to a mChagga?"
"That's what I have always been telling you!"
"WaKibosho?"
"They will beat you black and blue!"
"WaUru?"
"Very smart, educated but no maendeleo. You husband might end-up being a shoe shiner with a pHd."
"WaMachame?"
"Wachawi! They can even bewitch the dead!"
"Wa-Old Moshi?"
"Washamba!" He spits on the ground, "they are so ignorant they don't know the difference between a cell phone and a remote control."
"WaMarangu?"
"They are too arrogant!"
"Okay, so I guess you will be happy if I married someone from our village."
"Absolutely," he smiles. "But they are too …"
"I hear you, dad," my girlfriend interrupts, "someone from the same community then?"
"Which clan though?"
"The Temba's?"
"The great grandmother was a witch."
"The Macha's?"
"I hear the aunt's cousin's sister's son's father was a mental case. Your children might inherit it."
"The Mushi's?"
"They are thieves. They are so bad that they even steal their very own livestock - jamani!"
"The Temu's?"
"They haven't gone to school!"
"Okay, I guess you will be happy if it was from the same street then?"
"Absolutely!" The dad replies with a grin, "but which family though?"
Kweli marrying a Chagga can be a greatest pain….
jamani, is it true??
mdau
Mambo ya Bongo sasa hivi kiboko; kuna mashopingi moli kama ya mtoni,
ReplyDeleteMaubungo Plaza , Mayfair Plaza na maplaza mengine mengi tuuu!
Maapatimenti, mariili esteti broka, mabangaloo, na maskai skrepa! halafu mabarabara
ya kimtoni na madaraja kama lile la Kibiti watasha wenyewe wanabloo! Na
neshino stediumu mpya ikiisha litakuwa hamna tena Afrika nzima!
Mademu siku hizi wanang'aaaa! Kuna maMiss kata, miss tarafa, miss
wilaya, miss mkoa, miss Tanzania, mpaka miss yunivasi! Mafasheni shoo,
madizaina, na mamodozi! Maselebriti wa vipaji vya kitaaluma, kisanii, kimichezo,
kisiasa, ua kwa majina ya ukoo. Kuna Matamasha, mabonanza, na makonseti
hatari tupu!
Redio stesheni za kumwaga siyo kama wakati ule idhaa tatu tu; taifa,
biashara na eksteno sevisi iliyokuwa inafunguliwa kwa masaa maalumu na
kipindi kimoja tu cha salamu siku za Jumapili mchana! Na tivii chaneli
kibao siyo kama wakati tivii Zanzibar minara michache mitaa ya Upanga na
Ostabei tena usalama wa taifa wasiione, ukionekana mnara utakuwa umeenda
kinyume na Azimio la Arusha kwa kuwa bepari au kabaila kwa sababu ya kumiliki
tivii!
Eee bwana na magari mengine hata ughaibuni hamna sijui mabaluni,
maviieksi, Mamuso, mahama, mafoo whili draivu, maleksuzi, yaani wee acha tu!
Elimu nayo sasa imepanda kuna mainteneshino skuli kuanzia nasari
mpaka hai skuli na yunivesti siyo UDSM na SUA tu kuna mayunivesti kibao sijui
Nyegezi, Sijui Mikocheni, Makumira, Tumaini, na jingine la nguvu
linaangushwa Dodoma unaambiwa hilo yunivesti sijui litakuwa linachukuwa
wanafunzi ngapi sijui kwa inteki, yaani hilo yunivesti litakuwa kama
Kembriji, Oksfodi, au Havadi! Eee bwana eee!
Siku hizi simu siyo big dili! Unaambiwa nilikuwa Nanyumbu, Mtwara
vijijini ndani ndani huko nikakikuta kibibi kizeeee utafikiri
hakikuwahi kuwa kitoto kichanga! Unajua nini? Kilikuwa na kimobiteli cha Nokia
hizi ndogo ndogo kinaongea na sijui na nani? Mwenyewe nilizimia! Enzi za
TTCL ilikuwa uende kibanda cha simu tena ukikikuta nzima una bahati sivyo
sumni yako inaliwa na simu haifanyi kazi. Ua ukitumia simu za nyumbani siyo
laini kuingiliana au unaweza kujikuta unasikiliza simu tano kwa wakati mmoja!
Siku hizi hela yako tu bazi, seliteli, voda, mobiteli lakini mimi naiona
seliteli ndiyo kiboko lakini voda nao moto! Jamaa wa posta kweli walikuwa
wanatuzingua barua unaituma Kibaha toka Dar inachukuwa mwezi! Siku hizi
teksi meseji au ukiona namna gani vipi unanda intaneti unatuma imeli!
Usafiri siku hizi siyo sijui ATC, UDA, sijui KAMATA, nyooo! Siku
hizi mtu unataka kwenda Mwanza unapaki begi lako unaenda eyapoti unachagua bomba
gani udandie Prisisheni, Igo, eyaTanzania au bomba lolote tu! Mabasi siku
hizi kuna malakshari yana maeyahostesi kama wa kwenye ndege! Mabasi yana
vyoo, tivii, slipingi kochi yaani kama mtoni tu!
Mimi ughaibuni wala sikuzimii. Jamaa wanaenda ughaibuni nasikia
wakifika huko wanabeba maboksi na kukosha vizee. Siulimuona nanihii, alipoondoka
kwenda ughaibuni alikuwa na mimba hiyoo mashavu utafikiri anapuliza
moto! Karudi mimba imekatika, kakondaa utafikiri Msudani ya Kusini miguu kama
mikono ya mawani, yaani utamuonea huruma! Unajua Bongo michoro yako tu!
Misheni kibao inategemeana na wewe mwenyewe jinsi unavyopanga kete
zako.
Kuna majamaa hapa Bongo wanaishi kama mtoni asubuhi wanapata brekifasti
ya masoseji, hambagi, juisi na chai ya maziwa matupu au uji uliopikwa na
unga wa keki ukatiwa na mapande ya siagi na krimu! Lanchi chikeni chipsi na
kuku, dina steki hevi grili pateto au raisi! Yaani wee acha tu, Bongo New
York.
mnabore ,unavyopenda kurudia rudia articles hamna jipya nini ,umeshapost hii article already hamna aliyecomment ,sa umerudia tena we vp umeishiwa nini
ReplyDeleteJamani eehhh!!! It's ok to make such jokes BUT do we have to repeat them every other month on the same blog? I think we have other important issues to put here than to repeat jokes... This was published either in May or Junethis same year!!!
ReplyDeletekama umeshawahi kuisoma hii article, ingekuwa busara kui bypass , uokoe muda wako . Sioni haja ya kuhoji kwa nini michuzi kai approve tena.
ReplyDeleteBinafsi, mimi hii ndo mara ya kwanza kuiona.
Frankly, i got no comment about article it self . it`s just a joke, lets have fun .
ee bwana bora ulivorudia, mie mdau nlikuwa sijaipata hiyo, lakini mmh, sie wa Uru bwana tunajitahidi, We unamwonaje Mwenye Hugo House, yule ni wa Uru na pia ni jirani yetu, tena uru ya ndani ndani kabisa "Mrawi" huko karibu na msituni, sasa mbona mmewaacha akina Shayo, Shiyo, Chuwa, Mallya, Kileo,Lymuya na wengine? am waitin to read from you people, wellcome to get married to Uru.
ReplyDeleteAnnon wa 4:15, basi bwana imetosha, nimekukubali!!
ReplyDeleteDu namimi ndo namalizia ka mastaz nije kufaidi nyumbani!!!!
MISOUP NIMEONA HAPO BABAKE. UNADAI WAGANDA NGOMA NJE NJE KAMA WAHAYA! duh SASA ITAKUWAJE. AU NDO KWISA KUWA KAMA JUSI, JOTO YA JIWE KWISA JUWA SIYO?
ReplyDeleteUNADAI WAPARE WANAPENDA SANA SEX...MHHHHHH. KWA HIYO UMEINGIA MITINI KWA SABABU SHEMEJI ALIKUWA ANASISITIZA KILA SIKU AU? MAANA WATOTO WAWILI AU WATATU HARAKA HARAKA TULIJUA NDO HIVYO TENA, MZEE HUTAKI MASIHARA. KUMBE ILIKUWA LAZIMA; HATUKUJUA HILO!
Anony wa kwanza mbona yote unayoyasema tuliyafanya kabla hatujaja huku?
ReplyDeleteMbona mtu akiumwa kama hana hela ndio hivyo tena Mungu ndio Dactari wake lakini kama anazo hela wanamkimbizia huku huku tuliko...Kuliko kuwa na hayo mahummer,masausage, na nokia zako unazozisema bomba ni heri ungetwambia mabarabara, maji, elimu ya umma, magonjwa yanayozuilika, mahospitali na ajira ni poa.
Ndio maana nchi yetu haiendelei kwa vile raia wenyewe upeo wao wakufikiri ni just two feets na ni hao wanaotaka kununua gari wakati barabara hazipitiki na kama ni mtwara hamna hata hiyo barabara ya kupeleka hilo v, najenga magorofa kabla hajajua maji na zimamoto niaje, maduka yenye vitu vya thamani na ajira hamna. Kima cha chini cha mshahara kwa kweli nikichekesho. maboss wanaongezana mishahara na bonus kila siku wakati wafanyakazi wahini wanapush gurudumu la maendeleo kimiujiza.
Ni wangapi wanauwezo wakupanda hayo maluxury car na mandege yaliopo?
Huyo bibi mwenye nokia sidhani kama amepimwa kisukari, au pressure lini au mara yake ya mwisho kumwona doc kwa physical check up ni lini. Na sidhani kama akiangakua akiita 999 na hiyo hiyo kinokia chake kweli ataletwa ambulance ya kumfikisha hospital on time..
....
Huyo anon wa bongo New York katoka kuvuta pombe na kunywa mabangi.Yuko High.Anajifariji.Anafananisha usingizi na kifo.
ReplyDeleteSan Diego,CA
never compare bongo na ulaya, au marekani. we still have a long way to go, it will take us more than 100yrs to get where they are and this mean if they will remain stationary.
ReplyDeleteEeeh!!! maendeleo ya Mdau
ReplyDeleteHivi umeshawahi kukaa na kufikiri miaka michache ijayo mambo yatakuwaje??? Hebu kwa mfano mwaka 2015 twaweza shuhudia yafuatayo hapa Tanzania.
1. Wakati huo dawa ya ukimwi ishapatikana, mtu
unaenda ofisini baada ya kutokuwepo kwa takriban
majuma mawili. Bila shida unaongea na bosi wako huku
ukimueleza..."Bosi, yaani ka-ukimwi kalinitandika
vibaya sana last week" halafu sijui kwa nini mimi
kananiandama hivyo.................
2. Bungeni napo tunakuwa na waheshimiwa kama Mr Ebo,
Kingwendu, Bambo na wafananao na hao. Unasikia spika akisema....Mheshimiwa Bambo swali la nyongeza.
Bambo, "Mheshimiwa spiko pamoja na majibu mazuri ya
waziri wa michezo na utamaduni
naombi kuulizi swali hivi kwa nini siku ya fiesto
isiwe sherehe ya kitaifo ambapo raiso atato mapumziko nchi nzimooo???
3. Uswahilini nako kama Manzese kutakuwa na
maghorofa ya kutisha...Majungu ya akina mama wa
apartment zilizo jirani yatakuwa...Hause girl wangu
siku hizi hapiki bila kutizama DSTV ili kuona
wenzake wa Afrika Kusini wanavyotengeneza masalo.
Wewe wako bado anatizama kipindi ya mapishi ya
ITV na Clouds TV???? Tv ya Clouds wakati huo kama CNN
4. Nako maofisini itakuwa utata mtupu, haitokuwa
jambo la ajabu kuongea na bosi wa kiume huku heleni
zinamning'inia masikioni. Na si ajabu akipata
taarifa ya ghafla kuwa kampuni yake imepata hasara
suruali ikamdondoka manake uvaaji ni ule wa bila
mkanda huku ikiwa imeegeshwa chini ya matako (kata-K)"au nusu mlingoti"
5. Ukipita Sinza ndo utatoa macho...watoto wa
chekechea wamajipanga kwenye ATM mashines kuchukua
pesa ya kununulia lambalamba shuleni kwao. Yaani
itakuwa mtafaruku mtupu...Mara mtoto mmoja
anamwambia mtoto mwenzie, baba kanidipositia cheki
feki, imebaunsi hivyo leo ice cream nitachukua kwa
overdraft.
patakuwa patamu hapo bilashaka umekubali!
Mh michuzi this is funny kwani ni kweli kabisa kyasaka ni kasheshe uchagani. lakini siku hizi inapungua kwa kweli, mimi na huyu mzungu wangu simleti nyumbani kabisa walahi tena kwani watamkorogea sumu bure bora nibaki naye huku ughaibuni tu
ReplyDeleteMdau ni kweli kuoa uchagani ni headache sio utani,
ReplyDelete